*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
this is me
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos