Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My nickname in high school was “who?”