[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
become ungovernable
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand