Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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So the ex texted me
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Siri: Retweet me.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god