(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE