Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.