ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You Might Also Like
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit