[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Said the murderer.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Nothing.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔