[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Unexpected Judgment
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.