I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”