cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!