When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
These 3D printers are insane!
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
getting old is fun
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
new career option?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops