Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.