If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?