I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.