Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
We need more people like this.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets