CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You Might Also Like
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.