This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita