[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.