#milo
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??