Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered