The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Has science gone too far?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too