The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.