A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”