I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
A sick whale is called an unwhale
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.