My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
X-tra spooky blend
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok