I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.