Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
You Might Also Like
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared