I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
is this store having a stroke wtf
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?