Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.