Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
“The Perfect Relationship”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?