“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.