“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
You Might Also Like
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
channeling her this year
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]