I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.