dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
You Might Also Like
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Did…did a minotaur write this
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.