After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.