Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
That de-escalated quickly
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really