The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.