Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I ate everything, including the H.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.