They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I love wikipedia
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin