Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny