It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.