Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me