[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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Cashiers are always checking me out
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
58.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.