Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints