Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Ok, but like, how married are you?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.