All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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Meow?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
new record!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun