4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You Might Also Like
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
shampoo implies shampee
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.