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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
“I’m helping” 😅
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Follow me for more fitness tips.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
This is enough internet for the day.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.