…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
You Might Also Like
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Time for evil
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.